Ghosts in The Attic

Ah the witching hour. Midnight again. The time when normal people are winding down from a productive day. As we have seen, I am not in that group. the moments before midnight for me, are spent frantically trying to turn in all the homework that I had a week or more to complete, realizing I do not know what is being talked about, or even worse, when I hit the horrible realization that I tried, but I accidentally read the wrong chapter.

I always thought that when I became an adult that future me would finally have it all figured out, I’d be on my way to living life similar to my parents; a husband, a child, a dog, a productive life filled with family and friends. All the menial things that make adulthood awful, just didn’t occur to me at that sweet, naive age. I stand (sit) here before you, a 38 year old child. An adult in body, sure, my back pain and the recent diagnosis of osteoarthritis proves it But mentally I am still the same naive child who has no concept of time, deadlines, and what it takes to be productive.

Again, I started my day thinking it was going to be different, and for a bit it was. I made my tea, immediately took to the task of doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen; putting the dishes in the dishw…. oh I think I need to clean out the fridge. I need to throw everything out that’s bad. Well, while I am at it I should clean out the condiment fridge (yes I have a condiment and beverage fridge for my drink goblin tendencies) perfect…. Oh shit, the ice is overgrowing in the freezer again, I should fix that. My husband delightfully brings me a reciprocating saw to see if this will make quick work of the ice; and it does! Power tools are awesome!

Oh, the dishwasher, that’s right. I get that loaded, then the washer. I forgot to start the dishwasher, I do this. Wait, why is the washer not running, I swear I hit the button twice. No matter. Oh I should make the bed.

Ahh finally I have done some productive things! And look! It is still early! Surely I can do all of the homework that I need to do and start studying for my exams coming up. So I set out on that task, immediately interrupted by a thunderstorm. I have to go check this out. The road is flooding, clearly I need to carry my dog noodle poodle out to investigate this as well. Neat. Oh yes, homework! I have so much time!

Say, didn’t I see that we are out of dishwasher pods? I should be proactive and buy these. Amazon sure has all of the cool stuff I don’t need. I check out a very cool cabinet for my bathroom that won’t fit in there. I ignore the 3 calls from Citibank asking me to pay my delinquent credit card bill. Maybe they will catch the hint. Shit, I need to focus. I think maybe my ADHD meds are not working. I take more… I now feel nauseous, an all encompassing urge to find someone to talk to; I text people randomly. I miss you, we should chat. ( I will ignore their responses to me for weeks).

Back to homework…. 10 minutes in, I am reading intently about soil, I am taking notes furiously. I wonder what my husband and I will do when he gets home. I think about trying to sit face to face, belly to belly, rubbing noses… This is not helpful. Lingerie, I should buy lingerie…. Horniness is randomly in overdrive. Back to horny jail. I need to do homework. My mom comes in. I spend an hour telling her about soil science and why we are planting our plants with the wrong substrate. She is very interested in this conversation so we talk about the possibilities of new planting methods. What is that perfume you are wearing? I break out my big box and we chat about this It’s a great one you know, made to replicate a photo… How strange.

ANNNNNDDDD now it’s 8pm. 9pm. Has my child eaten? No. I make her food. 10pm… it’s ok I have time. 11pm… Gemini, Help! There is math and I don’t understand it. Can your repeat that but as if you were explaining it to a child. nope, go back a step…

So I turn in my homework. Haphazardly, late, largely misunderstood. The sad thing is, I like what I do, I LOVE school. I LOVE to learn. This is my passion and there are few things in the world I would talk about more than physical sciences. My brain… well it just doesn’t seem to want to do anything but float off into space. I guess past me would be extremely disappointed in current me. Future me should figure out how to fix that.