I am a white American female. I don’t have a pedigree, I don’t have a lineage that anyone has curated and passed down to me. I have a couple depression era recipes and some heirloom pieces from the 1800’s. I feel like this is probably typical of many white Americans. Unsure of our past, vague family ties to far off countries that may or may not be accurate. Sure my last name has a Scottish origin, but my mother’s maiden name is German and on my dad’s side Irish and Polish. It’s the amalgamation that makes us American, and the pedigree that also can leave us feeling empty.
I recently spent time in Europe. I spent a lot of time in Spain, amazed at the complicated history of won battles, and lost wars. a minimum of three different ethnic groups and religions at one point ruled over portions of the country in the past 500 years. To me, I saw a rich history of time; a tapestry of layers of culture and identity woven throughout time. I enjoyed the incredible sights and sounds of a rich culture. I felt incredible humility and emotion watching a flamenco show. My eyes lit up as I watched the skill and talent of their craft, honed over generations. I spent weeks in awe over the rich architecture, the food, the people, and the experience of it all. I loved the culture and felt both an intense gratitude of being able to be a part of it and a deep sadness that I don’t have this same thing.
America has a culture, I guess. Well at least some people do. But no matter what we as a country haven’t had centuries to build up history and culture and identity. Hell the creation of this nation kind of negates any culmination of identity or even pride in that history. I know that people like to make jokes that white people don’t use seasoning, we steal other cultures things because we have no culture of our own. Maybe that’s true. But I can’t tell you how lonely that personally makes me feel. I don’t have a group I identify with. I have nothing that feels significant to celebrate, and no matter what, I’m an outsider looking in at other people’s heritage. I can admire, but I just don’t belong. I guess I have always felt like I didn’t belong to any particular part of society. I have an identity crisis every few months wondering who I am and what do I identify with? How do other’s see me? I don’t really care about my ancestors or the past. I don’t feel a connection to them or a big family to feel a part of.
I can’t change my past or my heritage but I can at least be grateful with being able to experience others. I am so thankful for the time I got to spend in Spain, the people I met, the family I stayed with, and the cultural experiences I had in the many other countries I have visited. I may not get my own culture, but I at least get to cherish and learn about other’s one place at a time.
Ghosts in The Attic 
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