Ghosts in The Attic

I am not the same person I was growing up. Coming from an upper middle class, conservative, white, Christian, home, I was raised to believe certain things. Some things stuck, many did not. I have grown to understand that the Jesus I was raised to believe in, the man who commanded kindness, love, compassion, humility, and stewardship, is not the same Jesus that is common practice in this country any more.

I have also become very opposed to the word blessed. When I was growing up, this was such a common thing to hear that I never gave it any thought. You had a great day? It was a blessing, Another baby in the family? What a blessing. Getting over sickness? God really blessed them. It wasn’t until I did humanitarian work in Haiti that this word became a source of contention and for me, shame.

Once you work and serve people who are gravely ill, severely impoverished, by all accounts destitute and alone, you realize blessed, in the way I knew it, is an evil word. Blessing implies that I have gained favor from God. That something I did, blessing on my family, I prayed enough, I was “good” enough, to have my prayers answered.

When you have seen the polar opposite it becomes abundantly clear that if I concede I’m blessed, I have to concede that others less fortunate aren’t. What did I do to enjoy a life of plenty and safety when many can’t afford that luxury. Why is my baby healthy when someone else’s died? Did they not pray enough? Did they deserve it? Well, what did unimportant me do to deserve my position of privilege? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. It’s luck because if we go only on what some deserve and those who should see the fruits of their labor, I’m certainly not that person.

This is something I have wrestled with for decades. I left Haiti angry and sad. Sad that many would live and die without getting a break. The Bible says people save up treasures in heaven with the actions they convey on earth. That’s great and all but seeing someone suffer so severely while others casually live a life of luxury and chuckle about how blessed they are just doesn’t sit well.

So for me, I can’t believe that being blessed exists when there is so much evil in the world and so many who are too distracted or self absorbed to help the people we are tasked with taking care of.