I’ve smoked cigarettes since I was 14 years old. Don’t ask me why, I just really wanted to fit in with the wrong people. God, I was such a pushover as a kid. I remember just deciding I was going to smoke with my friends. It took a week to even be able to inhale without coughing. That should have been my first clue.
Picture my goofy ass sitting in the horse showing building at the state fair with a cowboy hat on, thinking I was hot shit sneaking puffs of cigarettes with my friend, and the random dudes she always hung out with. Yeah… Needless to say, I was the worst as a kid and I picked up a habit that would stick with me for decades.
I actually quit smoking back in 2013 but traded cigarettes for vapes, which were still pretty new at the time. They were being touted as a game changer for those who were trying to quit cigarettes or analogs as people in the vape community called them. My ex bought me a refillable one and I tried it thinking oh well if I don’t like it I’ll just go back to smoking. I’m not quitting I am just doing something different. It absolutely did work and I traded one for the other, but over the years I definitely smoked cigarettes from time to time. But for the most part I vaped.
I even weaned myself to 3mg/0mg mixed nic fluid back in 2021 and had almost quit. Then one day I was tipsy in Chicago and bought a pack of cigarettes. I came back home went to a vape store and found disposable vapes. Now I never tried the Juuls or whatever they sold at the gas stations, but these new ones at the smoke shops were different. They were small, compact. I didn’t have to change coils or charge my big dumb batteries. They seemed like a novelty and I tried it. I never went back.
I was immediately hooked in a way I had not conceived possible. Nicotine salts are absolutely the most addictive thing I have ever encountered, and I have encountered a lot of stuff. I slept with my vape in my hand, I vaped all the time. Burned through an Elf Bar a week when they were supposed to last way longer. I spent more money on disposable vapes than I ever did on cigarettes all while thinking it was a vape so it was healthier than cigarettes. I can’t imagine anything that makes you a slave to a small plastic box, healthy. At least with cigarettes you have to commit to one whole one and can’t just sit there and vape continuously. After 3 years of those, my heart rate was through the roof. It sat at a nice average of 115 resting and up to 170 if I got up to do anything. I couldn’t figure out why. I was overweight sure, but I was also on ADHD meds and they really messed with my heart. After a few ER visits, I had to concede, it was my fucking vape. It was wrecking my heart and my mind wanted nothing more than to vape. I loved it, I craved it. My hands would wander around me when I couldn’t find it. Something had to change.
I find that I need to get really angry to make a permanent change. One day, I was so fucking angry that this stupid box was controlling my life. That I was being put on heart medicine because my heart rate was way too high and let me tell you tachycardia feels terrible. I was angry that my at the time, 10 year old daughter was sneaking my vape with her friends. Their moms all vaped too. My daughter’s friend once described her mom’s vape as closer to her than her baby because it never left her hands. I snapped. I bought myself some nicotine patches and the gum. I think I wore the patches for maybe a week before I gave up. I just wanted to vape. who cares about the stupid patch. It wasn’t about the nicotine, it was the vape itself. I was an absolute bitch all the time after I quit. My hands wandered around me subconsciously for months, but still I persisted. I knew there was no substitute that would matter. No gum, no stupid Fume thing or the whistle that people use to try and ease the oral fixation. I didn’t care about cigarettes. I just wanted to vape and I knew without it I was going to be a worse person. I had already quit drugs and I never really drank, so my last vice besides food was gone. I realized after I quit that nicotine seemed to be the one thing holding me together to make me concentrate on school or at work. My grades dropped. I snapped on people frequently.
But still I persisted. I’ve been vape free for 16 months now. I am still surprised that I still crave vapes. I always heard that the addiction goes away over time and the cravings disappear. I still think about vaping though it is much less now. I still can’t be around people who vape. I lock in on it like a dog staring at prey. It’s caused me to avoid friendships. When I went to Spain I was absolutely shocked how many people smoked, like I would have figured they were way healthier; thank God they didn’t really vape. I fumbled a bit there and smoked a couple cigarettes with locals, but I never vaped. Cigarettes don’t matter to me. It’s like once you’ve had the king of addictive substances, nothing else will affect you like it does. I can never vape again because I know, I will go right to a vape store and I will start the cycle all over again.
If you are reading this and you are struggling with vaping, you can quit but you cannot fill the void with a substitute. Quit for the sake of quitting. Quit because you are furious and you deserve better. Quit for your future and quit so that others can be inspired and avoid the same path.
I am happy to say my resting heart rate is now 72. My daughter has no access to vapes and is proud of her mom for quitting something that took every bit of my willpower to do. I can’t take back the time I smoked, but I can take control of the future in which I don’t.
Ghosts in The Attic 
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