Ghosts in The Attic

It’s new years as shocking as it might be, yet another year has passed us by and boy do they seem to fly faster and faster.

I like to say that I usually don’t fall for the typical New Year’s resolutions bandwagon, only to give up after a few weeks. But this year is a bit different for me.

Things ARE different. I’m starting the year out jobless an in the very cusp of finishing my degree. I’m at a crossroads so to say with my health and my happiness.

I think that’s the key— at least for me it is. Something has to make me really unhappy. Mad even. Some of the most significant changes in my life have been made when I was so angry that a rift of identity started to occur in my brain.

Every time I left an abusive partner it was at a breaking point of being so angry at the situation and the betrayal that I upended my whole life to make it stop. I used this method to quit drugs, and vaping. Every time, a monumental shift in thought prepared me to square up with my opponent. It was either them or me, and for my part it was a successful means of motivation.

For some time now a louder and louder discontent has been growing with society and technology. My addiction and dependence on the systems made to reel us in and depress us. It’s a machine that feeds us the lies of consumption and want. Happiness is just another penny spent away on this gadget and that trinket. All of it a ploy for us to play our parts in the economy. All things built to fulfill the dopamine receptors that have been damaged by our life of instant gratification.

This has made me more and more angry after having assessed my accomplishments and accumulations over the past few years only to find that I’ve nothing to show but for a handful of trinkets and luxury perfumes.

What I can see is my debt. The debt I used to fund a life I couldn’t afford that was propped up with a belief that the next purchase may make me feel — something. I realize that I was actually happier shopping than I was in even getting the stuff. True addiction at heart.

This all came to a head losing my job. Poetic, I know. Desperation breeds innovation and a massive change in not only my spending habits but the way I found value in things had to change with it. I had to choose, what was valuable? What is necessary? What is just want, like boredom and binge eating but with a credit card. After having lived out of a suitcase in Europe for two months you start to realize that all the things you think you need, you actually don’t. All the extra things I wanted to buy where handicapped by my limited space in a suitcase I would then be flying across Europe when my schooling was done.

I think that’s where the seed was planted. And recently it had germinated and began to take root in my life. I’ve cut ties with social media, bid farewell to my shopping apps. I’ve set strict parameters for my phone usage and reevaluated the value it brings me. I’ve set up a meal plan on a full schedule for breakfast lunch and dinner. These past couple weeks have seen a vibrancy of warmth and laughter in our kitchen as my husband and I work to achieve this goal we’ve set. Meal prepping in a non boring, repetitive way has always piqued our interest. With a calendar, 20 recipes and a legend, we are making it happen. I’ve started to focus specifically on reading physical books. No digital media, no e books. Tangible things I can touch and feel. I’m journaling again, maybe not so much here, but in a physical journal.

I can’t change everything about me, even if sometimes I want to. but what I can do is create a set of systems to guide my life and to look inward for motivation. I can choose to be intentional with the things I do. I can choose to utilize my time wisely. I can choose to disconnect from the machine and focus on the real world right in front of me. And that’s exactly what I intend to do, while I still have agency to do it.