Ghosts in The Attic

What could I do differently is not the same thing as what should I do differently.

I could put the pb and j on the outside of the sandwich. I could rage bait people on Reddit. I could read a book backwards. I ~could~ fake my death and move to Vietnam… I could do these things, but they are meaningless and dumb.

Doing things for the sake of doing things without any intention behind it is a problem that many of us have. I think we are kind of living on autopilot much of the time, not really questioning the why of our thoughts and our urges. I’ve learned to confront and be confronted by my habits, opinions, and behaviors. Partially due to training myself to think more abstractly. Partially because of major events in my life that necessitated a complete reevaluation of me as a person. I have had to start from scratch more times than I wish to count. And from that wreckage I have had to face some uncomfortable things about myself.

If I could go back in time here are a few of the things I wish younger me would have done differently.

• Be intentional with the things I buy. Wants need to pass a checklist of if I really need it or if it’s just a dopamine fix.
• Learn to delay gratification. I think many of my issues stem from not understanding how to work diligently for a payoff that may not be immediate. Things like being fit, disciplined, eating healthy, all require the understanding that with time, the effort pays off.
• Choose loneliness but peace over companionship with chaos. I’ve only dated 4 people in my adult life. 2 of whom I married and one engagement so we’re not talking casual dating. I poured my heart and energy into relationships that I prayed desperately would work. I often think back on why being alone was scarier to me than being in an abusive relationship. I let people violate my peace, my self worth, and my identity because I didn’t know how to be alone.
• If you aren’t growing, you’re stagnating. How many times have we wanted to do something better for ourselves and put it off only to realize that months or years went by without us accomplishing anything. Procrastination is truly the thief of growth.

I have made many changes to my life and how I operate. And I still struggle with some of the pitfalls above. But doing something about it now, is better than not doing anything at all.