What strategies do you use to cope with negative feelings?
Usually I like to cope with my emotions by not coping with them at all, or at least permanently. You see, there’s always something to be bummed by. And once you finally get over one thing, there’s another thing right around the corner to make you feel helpless and alone.
I’m tired of feeling alone as a parent. As a person. It feels like Groundhog’s Day every day, but I am getting older. Raising an autistic teen is exhausting. It’s tiresome to the core. I don’t want to wake up and put forth any effort most days. Losing my job tore me down to a new low and yet I’m not sure I’m capable of working another job.
My kid was kicked out of school for causing trouble. Now it’s nonstop Dr appts, school meetings, pick ups, drop offs, all at the cusp of the end of my degree. I thought my husband was supportive of me focusing on just that. I learned last night, that is not true and he doesn’t care. He just wants me to bring in a paycheck whatever that takes. My degree isn’t even worthwhile anyway.
So what am I doing to fight negative feelings? Staving off the urge to end it. Looking for the light somewhere. Developing an addiction to tattoos and piercings because I gave up all my vices. Trying to limit my food intake as a way to get healthy but also a bit of a fuck you to my body for being so fat. Avoiding mirrors. I hate to even look at myself. All this time lived and nothing to show. Maybe if I cover my body with ink it will become a canvas that hides the person I hate. Isolating myself from everyone else. Hell who am I kidding. No one calls. I gave up being the one to constantly reach out. There’s only so many times you get left on read before you take the hint.
But hey. I’m still not giving up.
Ghosts in The Attic 
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